After such a long hiatus, I thought a good re-beginning post would be what was supposed to be published six months ago. It is clear that I wrote the following post sometime near the beginning of 2023. This was good for me to read and reflect upon. Looking back at a past post, “Clean Slate Summer 2021” it occurred to me, not for the first time, that I have two natural “endings”(and thus “beginnings”) in my year- the turn of the calendar year, of course, but also the end of each school year, in June. Six months apart- a perfect span of time for looking back and sifting through, and understanding what things to keep and which to let go, in order to keep moving forward.That ebb and flow of energy over the course of a year- I’m only now starting to learn how to ride it.

As for the ubiquitous aspirational intention- I intend to improve my focus. There are many things I aspire to, but without focus of will, and effort, and attention, those aspirations are only theoretical. It’s all about directing energy toward the things I want.

And to be clear- February 9th was the last time I took a picture of food I made. Between then and today, I’ve only taken pictures five more times. So! Room for improvement! Excellent 🙂

New Year’s ReBel Post- 2022/2023

I think I’ve managed to post for New Years a few years in a row now. I would hate to break what seems to have become a tradition, and, I’m sure, what is expected by all my loyal readers.

I haven’t read back over my previous posts for this time of year, and I’m kind of dreading doing it. All kinds of “best intentions” lurk there, and, as it turned out in the end, unfulfilled promises to myself. And 2022 was no exception. This past year will be known henceforth as “My Year of Pain”. And yes, mostly it was the back and sciatic pain that majorly sidelined me, but also my mallet pinky finger, and the job I so hated. It was also the curling even further into myself, my seeming uncontrollable instinct to…isolate. It was the misery of making truly self-destructive decisions over and over, and feeling such deep disappointment in myself. It was the torment of letting myself down, of becoming smaller and less interesting, of living a life that has been just going-through-the-motions. And dealing, never quite adjusting to, and trying to manage life, with chronic pain.

So my thoughts for 2023? My Intentions? (I seem to recall a past post claiming that “intentions” were better than “resolutions”- such a profound insight (eye roll)) Well, I have one very concrete one and one shaggy, amorphous one. Perhaps I’ll throw the ubiquitous aspirational one in there, as well.

My concrete intention is to photograph pictures of the food I make everyday. I believe this will force me into actually making things to eat everyday, and also to document what I’ve accomplished. Evidence of some thing I’ve done to not only pass the time (who has more time than me?), but to also learn and grow as a cook. Over the past month or so, I’ve approached cooking in a more mature and thoughtful way. I feel more at ease, more in control, more self-assured. And that attitude is reflected in my food- not that everything I do comes out perfectly, but when things do work, they really work, and I feel like it was skill more than luck. I want to put more energy in this direction. I want to see what a year’s worth of everyday focus can do.

As for my more abstract intention- I need to figure out how to move my body even with my pain. I’ve had enough of sitting around, letting the pain shut me off from something I know is an essential part of who I am. This cannot go on indefinitely, and I can safely say that I am ready to make a significant change to what my routine has become.

OK, this all sounds so bleak and sad. 2022 wasn’t all bad. I wanted my job back at Concord, and I got it. Chloe and Mario’s love has continued to withstand all the challenges of a long distance relationship, and Kieran has found a beautiful and wonderful someone. I have been incredibly blessed with children who do incredible things, and that still all love being together. I have had other successes this year- I’ve read and written more this year than ever before, and I’ve found a new lane in the kitchen that I’m quietly very excited by. Even still, I have a long way to go to feel like I’m making progress, but this is what this fresh, new year energy is for. To propel oneself into good habits and decisions that can shape the rest of the year to come. I intend to make the most of it. Let’s call this- Moving Forward Month of January. Erm…well…that name is…not great. Jumpstart January? Oof, even worse. Make the Most of It Month? Yikes. OK, let’s just leave it at- This Whole Month of January I’m Going to Put My Energy Into Good Habits That Will Sustain Me and Give Me New Life. 

There. My Intentions, spoken (written) into the world. Let’s go.